I Killed My Girlfriend’s Fish

I Killed My Girlfriend's Fish“He deserved it!” is not a good way to start when explaining it to your girlfriend. It might be true if the 3 of you were all part of some kind of mafia (Jimmy the Fish and his gang :D) but in any other conditions don’t say it!

When your girlfriend has a fish, sooner or later, when the trust phase of your relationship pops up, she will ask you to take care of it for a few days, for example, when she’s away on Girl Camp or whatever, it really doesn’t matter. By then she would have already told you everything there is to know about her fish, what kind, where it’s from, symbolism, what/when/how much it eats and how to clean the tank and change the water. The problem is that you’re a guy! and you never even tried to remember any of those things and yet you accept the responsibility without hesitation.

Why do we do this? Because it’s just a fish! How hard can it be?!?!? You don’t have to walk it, tickle or play with it; you can’t get yourself bitten (except of course your an amazonian and your girlfriend owns a pet piranha), it swims around quietly in the tank, doesn’t bother you at all. You throw some fish food in there and you’re done. At least that’s what we think.

And the result is that many fish happen to die this way, overfed or poisoned in their own water because we never know how much food to put in at one time (and you can’t call her to ask, she’ll know you weren’t paying attention!) and/or forget to clean the tank. I’m sorry ladies, but it just happens.

But don’t worry guys! You can still make it! You can pull the dead fish out of the tank and run quickly to your closest pet store to buy a replacement, just show it to the fish guy, he’ll hook you up (same type, same size). If you don’t have this option you must always clean the tank (if you can remember how to do it properly) and leave the fish in it and go pick-up your girlfriend from the airport/train station. When you get back, let her notice it then make a sad face and say “He was OK when I left, I don’t understand…” and wrap your arms around her. If she comes directly home, tell her right off the bat, “I’m sorry, I don’t know what happened…” and she’ll see a perfectly functional tank and clean water and a dead fish, a mystery for Scooby-Doo and the gang!

Unfortunately women have the gift of smelling us out so things might (I should say will) not go as you planned. Buy an exact replacement of the fish but she’ll notice immediately, “that’s not my fish!” (I really don’t know HOW!) and pretending not to know why the fish died usually gets you busted. You’re the primary suspect, it’s only logical. Maybe a reverse-approach would do it, be honest about what happened and she’ll be grateful you didn’t lie or try to trick her and she’ll forgive you…or not.

Damn! There’s no 100% success scenario of getting away with murder! If there is, please share!

So pay attention guys, I know it’s just a fish, but if it’s important to your lady, it should be important to you. Take some advice from someone already convicted for such a crime (I’m still on parole with the new fish and the stress is killing me).


  • Well.. I understand it`s hard to always pay attention at the things you are not interested in and even if you do, it`s a big chance you won`t remember it. However, there is one way out: Search the internet. If the fish needs feeding, search the internet how much and what should he eat. It needs his fish tank cleaned, do the same.

    It`s not that hard and it can save you from a lot of head ache.

    Also, another option would be just calling you girlfriend and telling her: “I`m about to feed the fish, but I`m so insecure, I`m afraid I could f`ck this up.. please tell me again, just how much food should I put there?”. She won`t be mad. 🙂

    • The internet is always there, but if I’m pet-sitting my girlfriend’s fish it means she’s out of town and I’m playing video games or watching football. So when I remember that I have to feed it, I’ll be a guy and just feed it, with a random quantity, the probability of going online to search being very low. And I will never call a girl to tell her “I’m insecure” 😀 Men’s egos are tough, beer!, cars!, football!. Getting mad or not about asking relatively soon a question to which you normally should already know the answer can be different from person to person. Some might not like it, some might not mind, why risk it? 😀

      • :)) Well, sure, don`t say i`m insecure, one could use different words to express the same thing. The girlfriend will melt if she knows the boyfriend worries about her fish with no apparent reason. I know, ego is a big thing to go around.. But one doesn`t have many options.. it`s either learn to *mute* your ego and *act* in your best interest or hit the wall full speed every time your girlfriend cares for something you don`t :).

  • Nemo chose “red” and look what happend to him. F*ck that, I’m going with blue.